Extreme makeover, #TeamPreciousSizedFingers Edition

So there has been somewhat of a controversy over this 25th anniversary Elle cover shot of Precious star Gah-boo-ray Sit-a-bay because of her seemingly lightened skin tone, but I have concerns of a different nature. I sent my team of bunny reporters undercover to get the real scoop. First, let me show you pictures of the other 25th Anniversary Elle Girls.

All of them have very healthy thoraxes and legs appearing in the shot. But why not poor Gabby's torso? The answer will both shock and disgust you. It isn't because of her size, it isn't because a body shot would have to be taken from a good 10ft back, no no. This scandal is much deeper than that. Her picture is different because GABOUREY SIDIBE is A FLOATING TORSO. That's right. In an androostoof exclusive interview, Miss Sidibe confessed "I usually wear false legs, my lower torso and legs were destroyed by a witch when I was 12. I sold her my legs for eternal life, but I am able to levitate because of my massive brain, which takes up almost 60% of the inside of my body." Precious has been living with this horrible secret for over 400 years. "Not even my podiatrist knows... You know, now that I think about it, Why do I go to see a podiatrist? My feet are made of an advanced rubber polymer I made in my lab below my projects..." Says Gabourey.

Oh and... Dang that bitch be lookin' all light skinned! Whaddafuck!

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